Insomnia

It's late and I can't sleep. 

I really hate when that happens, especially because I love to sleep.  I love napping, going to bed early, and sleeping in. 

Tonight I can't sleep, my mind is racing with things I want to remember for tomorrow, things to put on that never ending to-do list, things I want to teach Davis, things I want to do with Chris, ways to decorate the bedroom, things that need to be done before next week....so many things fill up a space I wish would rest.  Sometimes when my mind goes so fast while I'm laying in bed I really do count.  Not sheep, ever, I just start counting.  I think I may becoming immune to the counting though because more often than not I find myself in triple digits instead of the singles that I'd prefer.

My baby turned one recently.  17 days ago.  I still can't really wrap my mind around it.  We celebrated in style with friends and family, but it still isn't sinking in.  So much has changed in the last year.  I feel older.  In some ways I feel wiser.  I feel way less 'together' than I did before he came along.  I have far less time and money than I ever have had before in my adult life, but I am so happy.  And yet I find myself so much more content in my day to day life.  Sometimes I look around my house and find my helper has found the laundry basket or his bookshelf and I smile and try and take a mental picture of my day.  I know these days won't stay forever and I want to remember the exact look on his face as he explores and discovers.  I want to remember what him being one is like.  I try so so hard to not wish away days and moments, and I think I do pretty good at it.  Maybe that is why I am so content now?  This year has been tough and stretched me in ways I didn't think possible.  (Stretched US in so many ways.)  I want to be a better person.  I want to be neater for my husband and remember to pick up my shoes/clothes/make-up/fill-in-the-blank. I want to be more a more intentional friend.  I want to redefine what success is to me.  I feel like that last sentence is something I think on a lot.  What should my life look like right now.  What should my days look like?  What do I want to look like to my son?  How do I want to represent my family?  How do I want my husband to see me and our home when he gets home from a long day at work?

Our house has been nothing but sickness lately.  I'm ready for that fog to pass.

This blog has been on my mind so much lately.  I feel guilty for not posting more.  I love to blog, I do like to write and share ideas, projects, and updates...but it always is at the bottom of the list.  There are so many big projects I could post but I never get around to it.  Oh well.

Work.  Full time work for part time pay, haha.  I love to work.  I love to problem solve, I love design and marketing and thinking through what the next step should be (in business).  The lists never get shorter.  Sometimes it feels impossible to break away from work.  Even if I close the laptop my mind races with possibilities.  I find myself sending my cohort one line emails with ideas to discuss later.  I'm lucky to be surrounded by partners who let me have a long leash with my ideas and for the most part trust my work.  Potential, I love the possibilites of the future!  Work, sometimes a double edged sword, but I know God has plans for my vocation.  Little or big, He's looking out for me.

And yet I'm brought back:  I can't believe that my son is one.  That year went by so fast...what if they all go by that fast?  I love his smile (and those teeth).  He is very snuggly.  His dad says he is a momma's boy.  Though I feel bad about it (and worry that it might be a bad thing) I love that I get so many opportunities to snuggle with him throughout my day.  I want to make sure he is growing and developing but it is bittersweet to see him move on from the things that were such big accomplishments to him just a few short weeks and months ago.  Packing away onesies and sleepers that he's outgrown, wondering if they will be worn by another someday or be done with for good.  Change, always change.

I've got to attempt sleep again.  In less than 6 hours I'm going to groggily start my day.  But it will be a good day.